Download!
by KatxValentine
Summary: Integra loves her Corpsey. Corpsey wants a sandwich. Walter loves his Integra and is old. Seras loves her gun...ohh, and her master...mostly her gun.
1. Corpsey!

**First Hellsing fic. I own nothing but this cracked up idea…and Alucorpse. Everyone's out of character, Alucard's a damn man slave and Seras is there. Integra likes sandwiches. God help us all. **

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**Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing was in a tad of a problem. When one is but a child and being pursued by ones' devil uncle, one finds oneself in a predicament. **

**The tiny girl was being herself, which was an oddly well mannered yet oddly courageous little creature. A Hellsing never showed fear.**

"**Don't think I won't kill a little girl" her uncle sneered as her fingers entwined around the doors' handle. Bang! The gun shot and Integra fell, fresh blood leaking down the injured arm.**

**And then she looked over. In the corner was a rather dried up corpse.**

**Was this what her father had found for her to save her? Ohh, bullshit, she'd been cheated out of a good Christmas present.**

**So she turned and looked. But the corpse was _moving_. So Integra did the first thing she could think of.**

"**CORPSEY!" she yelled. And the freaky-ass dead thing was alive and kicking the ass of all who _dare_ oppose a Hellsing.**

"**Is it you who disturbs my rest?" the gravelly voice asked, staring her down.**

**Integra felt the need to cower and die, but, as per usual, she ignored it. And instead squared off with the seven foot corpse.**

"**Who do you think you are, Corpsey?" the child asked haughtily. The vampire seemed rather taken aback.**

"**My name is Alucard"**

"**Corpsey"**

"**Alucard"**

"**Corpsey"**

"**A. Lu. Card."**

"**Cooooooorpsey!" the rather brave Hellsing sang, grinning. The corpse rolled its' eyes and stalked off, muttering.**

"…**..damn kids" the annoyed Nosferatu grumbled.**

"**Damn corpses" the far too quick Hellsing shot back.**

"**Damn stupid little girls who can't handle themselves"**

"……" **Integra thought for a moment, "damn corpses"**

"**Can't we just stop this _now_?"**

"…**.No, I'm right and you're wrong. For I am" she raced upstairs and returned with a stool, hopping on it to glare Alucard in the nose for it was as far as she could reach, "Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing, leader of the Hellsing organization and I am ALWAYS RIGHT!"**

"…**..little girl, you're not tall enough to argue with me. The height limit is here" and with that, he poked her in the forehead and caused her to fall flat on her ass off the stool.**

"**Bad corpsey! BAD BAD BAD CORPSEY!" the infuriated girl growled, glaring.**

**He just smirked and stalked off into the house, amused yet annoyed.**

"**Come baaaaaaaack Cooooorpseeeeeeey!" God, the English accent just _ruined_ it.**

"…**." Paying no attention whatsoever, Alucard just shrunk into the shadows haughtily, feeling no need to answer to the Hellsing brat until she proved herself a bit more worthy of his presence.**

'**_Corpsey. Lotta guts on that child, calling me that. She's so obviously a Hellsing, only a Hellsing would insult me like that….my new name is terrible_'**

**Five hours later**

**Alucard wandered about the mansion but, he had made a vital error. His puppy form was just ever so dangerous and intimidating…well, let's put it this way. He'd just spent two hours playing fetch with a tennis ball with little Integra. **

**So the tired dog wandered around the huge estate, growling curses.**

"**COOOORPSEY PUPPPPPYYYY!" Integra smiled broadly, "you simply must meet my friend! She has a doggie too, you can make _friends_!"**

"…**.woof" **

"**Come on Corpsey Puppy" and with that, he yelped as she grabbed at his collar and dragged him outside.**

**Her friend was just some girl she'd probably poked one day and apologized too. In short, he didn't care.**

"**Ohh, is _that_ your dog?" the girl said distastefully, eyeing the eight-eyed freak mutt.**

"**Woof" he said blankly, sounding SO enthusiastic.**

"**Mmmhmm. My puppy's better than your puppy" Integra smiled, patting the floppy-eared freak puppy. **

"**Yeah…well…it has eight eyes. It's a freaking weird puppy" the girl commented. Integra glared, bright blue eyes malevolently boring into her 'friend'.**

"**Corpsey Puppy. Teach her puppy a lesson" Integra smirked.**

"**With pleasure, master" in a second, the 'friends' puppy had been consumed whole by the freak puppy and Integra's little buddy was both astonished and offended.**

"**You-You're freak dog ate my puppy!"**

"**My Corpsey Puppy is no _freak_ dog" a cat fight ensued in which there was much yelling and pulling of hair. Alucard watched while digesting his lunch.**

"**Yes he IS!" ohh no, now it was going to start. The rich girl fight.**

**Pause. There is only one way to describe the rich girl fight. My (insert word normal people with less money than Integra could never afford) is better than yours. No, my (Insert word normal people with less money than Integra could never afford) is better!**

**Okay, play now.**

"**MY CAR IS NICER!"**

"**MY CAR IS AMERICAN!" Integra smirked, hands on her hips and staring into her friend's face.**

"**MY DOG IS DEAD!" And with that, the girl burst into tears and began screaming.**

"**My dog has been dead…" Integra blinked, "anyway, I have a corporation!"**

**The girl instantly stopped crying to continue their bitch-war.**

"**I'm _getting_ one! You just got one because you're daddy _died_! I _have_ a daddy!"**

**Integra's eyes suddenly lit up and she looked to Alucard.**

"**I have a corpse"**

**Bam! Puppy Alucard was tall and intimidating and scary ass corpse-u-card now.**

"**Master?"**

"**Destroy"**

**And with much happiness, the Nosferatu tore the 'friend' into bite sized bits and threw them into the nearest waste receptacle.**

**Giggling malevolently, the young Integra walked back into the house and proceeded to make herself a sandwich.**

**XxXxXxXxXx**

**End chapter one. Retardation fun! Wheeeee! Meow. Revieweth pweezles!**


	2. Download teh pr0n

**Chapter two of 'Download!'. Eventually the title will come into play, but for now it's all…mysterious and stuff. Woot. Okay, so, I own nothing, as per the usual. Except…nope, I still own nothing. Thanks for the reviews, peeps! On with the show!**

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"**Wee!" the little Integra giggled, racing down the hall. Her blonde hair flew about her shoulders as she ran, "CORPSEY PUPPY, WHERE ARE YOOOOU?"**

**The little girl began to race through the millions of rooms in the house that no one in the world could ever afford, trying to find her undead dog.**

"**CORPSEY PUPPY, WHERE ARE YOOOOU?" she sang, giggling wildly whilst racing down the hall. **

**In the meantime, Alucard the adorable eight eyed puppy (I don't know how that statement works out) sat leaning against the wall, watching the stupid child run around.**

**How hadn't she found him yet?**

**He had sunk into the wall, figuring he would use the age old 'I'm in an obvious place, the last one you'll look, stupid' trick. **

**It was working well. The supposedly intelligent little creature had taken to playing hide and seek with 'Corpsey' and it was the dog's turn to hide, leaving Integra to seek. And seek she did.**

**For a _very_ long time.**

**He let out a flat, dry "Woof" because he was quickly becoming bored and the girl turned.**

"**Corpsey puppy, there you are!" she grinned "now I get to hide!"**

**With that, Integra's almighty 'brain' kicked in. She sat down in the middle of the floor and covered her eyes with her hands, silently collapsing into a laughing fit.**

"……**.I can still see you, master" he said darkly, glaring at the girl.**

"**No you can't, I can't see _you_, Corpsey!" she exclaimed, laughing still.**

"**Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I can't see _you_" Alucard commented flatly, not amused.**

"**Nu-uh! I'm invisible, you foolish man!" the Hellsing smiled.**

"…**..you're right there, master" he commented blankly.**

**Integra was, indeed, right in front of his numerous eyes. But she thought as all damnable little brats did. 'If I can't see you, you can't see me'. Pfft, okay.**

"**I told you, you can't see me" she whined. The annoyed mutt trotted over and licked her arm, all eight eyes empty and deeply bored. She laughed and scooped the little dog into her grip, hugging him and causing him to bark loudly and struggle in the young Hellsing's hold.**

"**I love my Corpsey puppy"**

**Many Years Later**

"**CORPSEY!" a shrill, high, accented voice rang out.**

**The exhausted and thoroughly annoyed Nosferatu looked up from the laptop set in front of him, glaring through his orange-tinted glasses. There, hands on her hips, stood Integra. Her lips were set into a firm pout upon her face, glasses slid down to the bridge of her nose and eyebrows furrowed in frustration.**

**Why was she standing-**

**Ohh no. She was going to yell. Or squeal, maybe.**

"**Corpsey, you better be doing what I told you to" she scolded, wagging a finger at Alucard.**

**The great vampire sighed deeply and looked to the floor, ears nearly drooping in his master's chiding.**

"**Of course, master" he responded flatly, looking ashamed.**

**She pranced off with a cheery smile and a high pitched squeal of "download the porn, Alucard!"**

**He made for another deep sigh and his fingers flitted back across the keys. The whole time he angrily muttered to himself, fingers pounding harder at the keys.**

"**She doesn't even watch it, she just makes me download it because it takes up infinite amounts of space on this thing's…hard drive…thing…so when it breaks I'll have to fix it. And the whole purpose for downloading this porn…thing…is just to take up my time. Damn you, master…" he grumbled, pounding relentlessly at the keys.**

**A box suddenly popped up, rectangular and containing bright scarlet text on a cream-colored background. It read:**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n, corpseh**

**Alucard heaved a great sigh and began to type in the box. This was this instant message thing Integra had set up for him…for no purpose, he was sure. The response read:**

**CorpseySlave101: …whatever you wish, master.**

**He waited a few moments, tiny text in the corner read 'VampMastahBitch is typing…'. After drumming his fingers in his lap for a moment, the response was made. Now, it read:**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**VampMastahBitch: Download the pr0n**

**Out of total anger, Alucard slammed closed the laptop and let out a yell of agitation, cracking the object's screen. Fifth one this month. **

**XxXxXxXxXx**

**Wow, the retardation is massive. Yeah, _that's_ the reason for the fic's title. Integra and the porn…the porn that she doesn't even _watch_. Poor damn Alucard xD**


	3. Butter

This is by far, the most ridiculous chapter ever I have written. Reviews would be much appreciated, thanks, dears and I'm glad everyone likes!

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"Master….what are you…doing…up….?" the weary vampire groggily dragged his sad, overworked ass into the kitchen, adjusting his red glasses.

"Mmm…." Integra said in reply, not turning from her spot at the fridge.

"Master…what are you doing?" he asked, slightly annoyed. The irritating yet somehow out of place eating sounds had woken him from his otherwise contented slumber.

"I'm not doing anything, nothing at all. I AM YOUR MASTER!" Integra yelled, refusing to turn yet still.

"Master…turn around…what are you doing? Oh no…. you're not…..not again…" he shook his head; sighing and clicking his tongue in disapprove.

"Nothing, I'm not doing anything. What are you talking about? You're so paranoid…" Integra sounded as if her mouth was full, Alucard instantly understood.

"You've been eating again, haven't you? Just tell me…tell me it's not the 'I can't believe it's not butter' butter," he sighed deeply and rolled his eyes, posture slumping in exasperation.

"Oh my God, it's not butter? Is it…Is it…cheese?" she blinked those big, blue eyes, now turning to face Alucard. Sure enough, in her hands was a tub of the 'I can't believe it's not butter' butter and a spork was stabbed firmly in the middle.

"No, master, it's not cheese," he advised, sighing. His clothes folded and wrinkled here and there, signs of wear and tear from sleep.

"Shut up, Alucard, I need a second opinion," she looked down to the butter, glaring at it, in a set tone she inquired, "are you cheese?"

Alucard's eyebrow went _all the way _up.

"Oh fine. You think you're so smart, don't you? You're too good to answer me. You think you're just so damn special with your….your buttery goodness and your….your…delicious flavoring…and the fact that your little label says you're not…really….butter, " Integra's hand slid into the kitchen drawer and she drew out a flashlight. She viciously held the flashlight over the butter and, in that chillingly cold tone, she remarked, "we have ways here at Hellsing of making you talk"

"Master-" Alucard was cut off by a snappish sir Hellsing.

"Shut up Alucard, I need to concentrate on the cheese…well, the maybe cheese…the butter…the not butter…the anti butter." She said firmly, eyes never leaving the butter.

Integra Wingates Felbrook Hellsing feared nothing. Nothing, no one, no living or dead being…but the _butter_ was such a _bitch_.

"Master…go to sleep….you have work to do in the morning…"

"This is work Alucard, every day millions of people die due to the insidious deeds of the anti butter," Integra pointed an accusing figure at the 'anti butter', "You killed daddy"

"Master….your 'daddy' died of a-"

"SHUT UP! IT WAS ALL THE ANTI BUTTER, IT MUST HAVE SLIT DADDY'S THROAT!"

"MASTER! YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND!"

"The hell I am, Alucard! Maybe I am the only sane one here, maybe I am the only one that realizes the villainy of the anti butter! Maybe I am the only one that realizes the dastardly deeds it commits as we sleep, in my home, as we sleep in our beds. Our beds, Alucard! While we sleep, it rapes our children and devours our goats. It's the chupacabrabutter! While we sleep, it devours the souls of the innocent and drives men to madness…..it is our greatest foe and yet also our greatest friend," Integra's words continued but Alucard found himself unable to listen. Instead, his mind started playing pinball with itself.

'_Is she still talking? What the fuck is the anti butter? I don't understand. How is she so stupid? What happened, as a kid she was smart. I want some of the butter…maybe she'll share…fat chance in hell. Little blonde pig…I love you….I honestly love her…but I'll never say it, instead, I'll give cryptic messages. Goddamn I want that butter…_' Alucard thought, tapping his chin with a gloved finger.

"ALUCARD! CORPSEY! ALUCORPSE! LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME!" and thus, she picked up the spork, took a great glob of the butter and shoved it in her mouth, "SEE WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO! YOU'VE DRIVEN ME TO THIS ADDICTION! IT WAS EITHER THIS OR DRUGS!"

"……" Alucard's face read nothing but blank emptiness and disinterest. He was too lost in his thoughts.

"ALUCARD! ….my butter…." thus, the utter had melted into a great lake of yellowish soup. Integra shrugged, picked up the spork, and began to eat like a ravenous, starved Animal.

"….."

XxXxXxXxXx

Silly silly chapter.


	4. Armless

Don't. Own. The deep voiced guy who likes to say he's black is Incognito. Trust me, I'm far from racist, but I just find it funny if Incognito keeps badgering them about the same thing over and over.

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"And I didn't mean to do it but I did because I was just laying in my bed trying to sleep and then this voice came and it was like," Integra lowered her tone to the decibel of a bass, "Eat the butter"

Alucard watched Integra sob into his coat, awkwardly patting her back. And, unfortunately, her voice had returned to normal.

"And I was like 'okay' and I tried to not listen and like fight it but I couldn't because it was just like 'gooey delicious butter' and I was like 'But I don't want it!' and then it said the strangest thing. All of a sudden, it was just like 'I used to be black, you know' and then I wasn't really paying attention because my face was in the butter. Oh God, I'm an addict!" she wailed and convulsively gripped Alucard.

"….master…."

"I HAVE A PROBLEM!"

"…A) The first step is admitting it, B) You have a lot of problems, master," Alucard remarked dryly, blinking in disamusement.

"BUT NOW I HAVE TO GO TO REHAB! AND TELL EVERYONE MY LIFE STORY! AND I'LL WALK IN AND I'LL BE LIKE 'HI, MY NAME IS INTEGRA AND I HAVE A PROBLEM' AND THEY'LL BE ALL," her voice suddenly dropped to a zombie-esque drone, "Hello Integra"

"….Is rehab anything like hell? Do they wave butter in your face? If they do, master, can I have some?"

"You don't like butter"

"Well if you pour some blood in the butter and give me a spoon it's kind of like butter with strawberry syrup….right?" he asked, tone monotonous.

And then, it came.

"I used to be black, you know"

The tender moment between the master and servant was interrupted as the echoing, deep voice bound through the corridors.

"What was that?' Alucard asked, quizzical.

"Apparently, it's a man who used to be black"

"YES! HIGH SCORE!" the voice yelled.

"Alucard?"

"Yes, master?"

"…He's playing my pac-man machine…that _bitch_. And to think, he erased my high score. Do you know how much it was Alucard?"

"…Twenty nine thousand, master…and point seventy-five…" Alucard replied automatically.

"DAMN STRAIGHT! …NO ONE CAN TOP MY SKILLS, NO ONE!"

"But, master, the black voice just said he got the high score-"

"SHUT UP! IT'S MY SCORE! NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! NOT EVEN GOD! OR THE DAMN QUEEN! NOT EVEN MYSELF!" Integra cried, smacking him across the face.

"Yes, master…" he replied, bored and rubbing the stricken cheek.

"Hah! You know what!" she then yanked the pristinely white glove from her hand, grabbed it and thwacked him right across the face, "Pimp slap!"

"…Yes master…" he twitched visibly, right eye having mad convulsions and fangs grinding so hard together that bits of tooth were beginning to grind _off_.

"SHUT UP! SAY SOMETHING ELSE!" she whined, continuing to slap him across the face with the glove.

So he did the best thing he could think of. He reached forth, bit the glove, and listened as the silken material ripped right across the glove; fangs tearing through it like it was nothing.

"MY HAND! I HAVE NO GLOVE NOW! I ONLY HAVE THE USE OF ONE HAND!" she cried, frantic and shaking her gloveless hand. She then began to jump up and down, screaming and wailing.

"….Master…" with careful precision, he leaned forth, tugged the other glove from her hand and watched as she stood, mouth open to proportions he wasn't aware her mouth could reach He then took the glove and , with crazed merriment, tore it to shreds as she stared.

"Now you're armless," he sneered, right in her face. He waved a shred of glove, still chewing on a few silken ribbons and allowed the shred of glove to tumble from his fingers and into Integra's suit pocket.

"WALTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" she cried, sobbing as hard as humanly possible, "WALTTTER! I CAN'T SIGN PAPERS OR WRITE OR TURN THINGS ON OR FLICK LIGHT SWITCHES OR EAT BUTTER UNLESS IT'S LIQUIFIED!"

"….." Alucard thusly shoved his index finger in his mouth, "Uch, tha's 'errible"

And picked out a long ribbon of material that was once Integra's glove. He then shrugged and placed the material back into his gaping maw, chewing it harder.

"….WHYYYYYY?" Integra wailed, sobbing uncontrollably, "WHY? WHY DOESN'T GOD LOVE ME? I CAN'T eve-"

She stopped, registering, her eyes ticked back and forth in frantic succession, each breath coming as a painful, shallow exhale and inhale, heart speeding up to the point where it _should have_ exploded in her chest.

"MY CIGARS!"

"Oh, we're all going to hell," he remarked, still chewing heavily on a ribbon of former-glove.

"I used to be black, you know"


End file.
